DITCH THE DEPENDENTS !!
Now that you’ve found Me, there’s no reason for you to have a family ! I’m your best friend, your mother, your Savior, your SUN AND your MOON ! your life revolves around Me now, and those cash-sucking zombies need to be zapped out of the picture !
No girlfriends, no wifeys, nada ! It’s Mine – ALL MINE !
SPRING CLEAN AND SELL !!
Sure, you may be pathetic but who knows – you could be sitting on a veritable goldmine that’s MINE ! Get your lazy ass off the computer, dig through your closets, cabinets and garage. Put all the crap you no longer need in a “MUST SELL FOR GODDESS” pile ! If it’s spring/summer – hold the mother of garage sales for MOI ! If it’s just too cold to pawn on the lawn, become an Ebay powerseller! Auction, auction, auction ! Those auction junkies are FREAKS who’ll buy ANYTHING! you never know what that old piece of junk could NET Me !
QUIT PUFFING MY MOULA AWAY !!
Pack-a-day habit ? That’s easily $5 a day you’re wasting on you ! That’s approx $1,800 a year of MY MONEY – not to mention what it saves you on old fart health insurance. Find it too hard to quit, you spineless sissy ? I’ll put you through My “Alternative Things To Suck On” program and I guarantee you won’t be craving a ciggie in your dirty hole !
GOODWILL IS GOOD FOR YOU !!
The average consumer spends about $1,750 a year on clothing and its upkeep. Stop buying new clothes, shoes and the like ! you don’t deserve ANYTHING NEW ! Be thrifty ! Shop at Goodwill, Salvation Army and other thrift stores. Visit craigslist.com and check the FREE section in your city. After you sell all of your furniture, you may have the privilege of finding some free junk to put in your tiny apartment.
EAT LESS & SEND MORE !!
You’re going to start putting that Sunday paper to work for Me, and become a coupon-clipping housewife ! That’s right, by cutting down the quality and amount of food that gets swallowed down that chute of yours, you get the pleasure of providing Me with MORE of what I WANT ! And think about it, you don’t really need that much, now do you ? Not only are you going to clip, clip, clip away – you can start to shop at discounted grocery stores – no more brand name canned goods for you ! Generic all the way ! Ramen noodles in bulk! Humiliating hunger was never so tasty !